Parenting and step-parenting

Strictly speaking, the word “parenting” means nothing more than rearing or making sure the kid you’re in charge of is supported until she can support herself. But we all know there is a lot more to parenting than that. To support someone is just to provide the bare minimum of food, shelter, and clothing. But you’re not parenting if you’re not guiding and shaping, too. And that’s the hard part.

I probably have an unusual perspective on parenting because I became a step-parent before I became a parent. I don’t want to offend anyone here, but step-parents live in a certain hell that is parenting without being a parent. I would never claim that H, J, & E are my kids, and I will correct people who make that assumption. But while I am not their parent, I do parent them. I’m not one of the two primary people in charge of supporting them until they can support themselves, and I am not one of the primary people in charge of guiding and shaping them, but I still get to do it.

When you’re not a step-parent, you know the child’s whole life. You were around when they were born, and you’ve changed diapers and tied shoelaces. But most step-parents meet their charges-to-be when they’re much older. You don’t have the luxury of a shared past. You have to build trust. You can’t just parent; you first have to get the right to parent.

I realized a few days ago that parenting can be something you do deliberately or unconsciously. With C, who is not quite two (dammit), parenting can be as basic as helping her speak. C will ask “read book?” or “C read book?” and I will respond not with a yes or a no but with an unconscious “you want to read a book?” That’s parenting without noticing. You’re shaping the way they speak by repeating and correcting their speech. At other times, though, C will pitch a fit because she doesn’t get what she wants, and I will very deliberately let her pitch her fit. At those times I have to struggle not to swoop her up in my arms and try to console her, both because it wouldn’t work and because she needs to learn how to recover on her own when she doesn’t get what she wants.

But as a step-parent of older kids, I didn’t get it so easy. As a parent to a baby, you learn a lot yourself through trial and error. There’s a fair amount of wiggle room, because a toddler isn’t going to remember what you said last time, and because parenting starts out small. But there is little room for trial and error with older kids. Saying yes when you should’ve said no can have much worse consequences when a child is fourteen instead of not-quite two. And step-parents don’t have the luxury of saying no all of the time without losing the affection of their step-children, who will never be as close to you as they are to their parents.

And it only gets worse when the kids are old enough to be gone for half of the summer. There are months when I only see J for fifteen minutes every few days. And then I have to decide when to let things slide because I don’t want to be too negative. Or I have to make an extra effort to be positive just so that I can do the occasional negative parenting. But I’ve found that it takes a lot of positive to outweigh any negative.

All I can say is – and I say this with total sincerity – I am lucky that I landed in such a wonderful family. There are many difficulties to step-parenting that parents don’t face (ignoring the fact that there are many difficulties caused by step-parents that parents then have to face), but the kids have always made my job way easier than I ever had any right to expect.